See My Reflection
by Lost4theStars
Summary: "I'm at the bottom of a pit, and I'm still falling, and I'm never climbing out." Set after Season 4, Sherlock is struggling to combat his PTSD and depression, and reluctantly turns to Ella Thompson. Told through therapy notes, transcripts, and scribbles on forgotten scraps of paper. Slow burn Johnlock, trigger warnings, angst like whoa.
1. I Took My Love, I Took It Down

**AN: Hello, all, and welcome to a bucketload of angst in therapy format! First of all, some TRIGGER WARNINGS: mentioned suicide attempts/ideation, but not in detail, cursing...and that's it. Warnings will most likely grow with the chapters.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Sherlock, and I'm not making any profit off of writing this. This is for fun. Also, I'm not quite sure how therapy notes look, so I'm basing this off of research and the like.**

 **Enjoy and please review!**

Ella Thompson, MA, MBACP

Counsellor / Psychotherapist

10 Harley St, Marylebone, London W1G 9PF 023 5967 0449 thompson.et.uk

* * *

Patient Name: Sherlock Holmes

Date: 2/7/2017

D.O.B.: 1/6/1989

Appointment Time: 9:00 AM

Record Number: 075652SH

Session Format: Individual [X] Family [ ] Couple [ ] Group [ ]

Current Self-Harm Assessment:

Suicidal [X] Homicidal [ ] Self-Injury [ ]

At time of interview: None [ ] Ideation, but no plan [ ] Plan/Intent [X] Other [ ] :

Detail/Action Taken: Patient has had several reported suicide attempts, including one at nineteen and another at twenty-five. He reports attempt at thirteen. It is not clear that anyone has helped him through his past or his current inclination towards suicide.

General Inventory:

Appearance: Dress and personal hygiene are meticulous despite visible upset and exhaustion.

Mood: Anxious [ ] Depressed [X] Angry [ ] Sad [ ] Euphoric [ ] Contemplative [ ] Other [X] : Guarded

Attention: Appropriate [X] Distracted [ ] Short [ ] Preservative [ ] Intense [ ] Other [ :

Speech: Appropriate [ ] Minimal [X] Rambling [ ] Frantic [ ] Tangential [ ] Halting [ ] Other [ ] :

Affect: Appropriate [ ] Inappropriate [ ] Flat [ ] Volatile [ ] Blunt [X] Bright [ ] Subdued [ ] Other [ ] :

Mental Health Inventory:

Hallucinations [ ] Delusions [ ] Sleep Problems [X] Appetite Problems [X] Drug/Alcohol Abuse [X]

Detail/Action Taken: Past sleep and appetite problems, current situation unknown. Has been clean of drugs for seven days but watch is required lest he revert to old ways.

* * *

Session Transcript:

 _Disclaimer: Disclosure or copying of this transcript is illegal. Required to stay within the possession of patient's counselor/psychotherapist, and no one else._

ET: Hello, Mr Holmes.

SH: ...

ET: ...

SH: Is your new method staying silent to probe me into talking?

ET: You did come here for a reason, after all.

SH: John wanted me to.

ET: Is it drugs?

SH: ...

ET: Ah, it's more than drugs.

SH: I relapsed.

ET: You don't look high.

SH: I would think you'd be competent enough at your profession that you would know that I have been clean for a full seven days, five hours, and twenty-two seconds.

ET: My apologies.

ET: But there is something more, isn't there?

SH: How much are they paying you to press into your patient's personal issues rather tactlessly?

ET: ...

SH: ...

ET: Sherlock, you have a history with attempted suicide.

SH: And you recently ended your affair with a woman after your husband discovered it—classic closeted Bisexual, find your work to be a way to get out of the house, and have fallen in love with your previous patient, who, may I add, is Schizophrenic and clearly paranoid—I suggest removing him from his gun—yes, he has a Glock 19, and you have two cats, one which is dying. I give her four weeks, maybe five, considering her progressed leukemia.

ET: But this isn't about me. You're changing the subject.

SH: I'm not going to talk about myself, you imbecile!

ET: ...I understand.

SH: YOU DON'T FUCKING UNDERSTAND!

ET: Then talk.

SH: ...

ET: Your tremor is back.

SH: SHUT UP!

ET: ...

SH: ...

ET: ...

SH: It's not anything new.

ET: What isn't?

SH: My suicide ideation. Do keep up.

ET: When did it start then?

SH: I drowned an entire bottle of Oxycodone when I was thirteen. It was more of an impulse than anything.

ET: Why?

SH: Your stupidity continues to increase in tremendous leaps.

ET: I meant, did this attempt have any correlation to external events?

SH: No.

ET: Please don't lie here.

SH: ...

ET: If you want to talk about something else that's fine.

SH: I-I don't want...to talk.

ET: Okay.

SH: Okay?

ET: It's your choice how to spend these sessions. But you have to let me help you if you want something to come out of them.

SH: ...

SH: There's so much.

ET: That's rather the point of this.

SH: Our time is up, isn't it?

ET: If you want it to be.

SH: ...

ET: Next week I'd like you to start at the beginning.

SH: ...

ET: How about we make a deal?

SH: You should know that I'm not good at keeping those.

ET: You give me three months, and if I don't help you by then then you're free to quit.

SH: Quit more than therapy?

ET: ...

SH: Fine.

SH: ...

ET: Goodbye, Mr. Holmes.

* * *

Counselor/Psycotherapist's signature:

 _Ella Thompson_


	2. Climbed a Mountain

**Hello, friends! (Aka that one person who followed this story!) Before we jump into this is like to add that my writing is awful. Complete shit.**

 **Enjoy anyways, as much as you can! This chap is a bit short, sorry. Also: UNDERLINED words are supposed to be STRIKETHROUGH-ED, but I didn't know how so they're underlined.**

 **~Novalie**

* * *

From The Desk Of Sherlock S. Holmes

M.D Chemist, Consulting Detective

Dear John,  
My beloved John,  
John,

It has been fourteen days since I last saw you. I'm clean now, and both Mrs. Hudson and Mycroft have raided the flat in an attempt to keep me so, the pestiferous fools. They invaded 221B when I was on a case and I arrived to a complete mess with those two blundering around like idiots. I let them throw my secret supply away because of you. It appears they have ganged up on me.

I just thought I'd let you know that I'm no longer reliant. You pitched quite the upset over my self-medication, though I don't see why you care. (Why do people care what others do to themselves?)

I'm also going to therapy now, upon your previous insistence. You told me fourteen days ago that if I didn't go you'd leave. Do you remember? Ella Thompson is a snob. Proud now, mother hen?

In all ways, I was writing to tell you that Lestrade has a new case for us. I've solved the last few on my own to keep my mind off of everything that's happened, but this is truly an extraordinary one. At least an eight. It could be just like the old days, John—children are being found murdered at specific spots in London, with a red string leading to their corpses!

I understand if you're too busy with baby Watson to bother with a broken, ungrateful swine; it wouldn't be suitable to leave a child for your friend an adrenaline rush a case.

I miss you. I'd like to talk to you soon. It would be nice to see Watson.

Yours,  
Sherlock


End file.
